This morning, I am absolutely certain that if we do not know Love, there is no purpose to Life or living. I've seen friends of mine going through hard struggles, most of which deal with the lie that they believe they are unloved. Or unworthy of being Loved. I'm going to get very raw here.
No less than two years ago, I was on my death bed. A bed of my own creation. I had just gotten out of a horrible engagement and trust was the last thing I had the ability to do. So, I isolated. I rejected my need for friends and family, sat in my dark room, cried, and learned how to hate myself. I taught myself how to believe the worst things about myself are more true than the Best things about me. I resigned myself to death. Then, one day, as I was contemplating how I might leave this life for eternal existence elsewhere, amidst making my plan, I stopped and had a short conversation with God. It went like this. God* Me** *Genesis, I know you're hurting... **Shut up. I don't want to hear it. You could've fixed all this. This is your fault. You don't love me. You've never loved me. *I'm here. Just let me hold you... **No!!! Get away from me. Stop! Just let me die. I can't take this pain anymore. *Let me remove the thorns and knives from you. **God, why? Why can't I just marry someone who loves me? Why is so much expected of me to change before someone even gives me a moments notice? Why do I have to be perfect on order to get a chance to be Loved? *Can I have all of You? **Only if you're going to love me...I love You but I don't trust anything or anyone. *Will you go put the gun back in the box? **Only if you promise me that You Love me. *I promise you, I Love You... And in that moment, I felt such unrelenting and unencumbered Joy, that my whole body went numb. it stayed this way for 3 weeks. I remember waking up and noticing it was gone. But here's what I learned in those 3 weeks. I Am Loved By God. I just read a post for women to find a man after God's heart, not their body. I almost began crying, because even in my right intentions, I was still far off from the mark. Godly men don't get close to God to get a wife. They get close to God because He's worthy of our entire being, everything we could do or think or say. He's worth looking at every moment, loving each second. Men of God identify with the dichotomy of living in the world and having desires for things of this world and living in the Spirit and desiring the things of the Spirit. This morning before work, I prayed that God would reveal to me my Heart and my desires. And He did. I desire to be known by Love. I am not by any means claiming I have it all together, but my utmost desire is to be known as a man who loves well. This is a road that I'm sure with not end once this life is over. I'm sure I will learn to love even inside of eternity. But, today, even with every other desire in my Heart, fighting its way to be priority, I stand firm that, Loving God is not just first or necessary, it's Who I Am. I am not just going to Love Him. I Am Love to and for Him. Find your Name. Find your Identity. Hello, I Am Love. What's your Name? Father, let revival begin in me. That you would be more than worshipped and praised but that You would be Loved. Let this Fire go forth throughout every sphere of society on Earth, in this very moment. In Jesus' Name. Amen.
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What are you learning lately? Let me let you in my Heart and Mind a bit.
First off, timing is right when you're not expecting it. Sometimes you meet someone or something happens that takes you by surprise, or gives you a reason to change your plans. I've in fact met many this past couple months that have been like a light in my life, helping me see better how I'm being led and what, specifically, I'm being led by. I have trouble reading into many situations and letting my emotions drive my actions. I'm finding how difficult it can be to be raw and real in a moment and stay guarded, so as not to become susceptible to expectations not being met, or worse, me being a burden to others with my intense feelings. Alongside this, I am learning my Identity in not found in what I do, only, but found in Who I Am, in every given daily situation. This has been a huge help to me. That God, would penetrate me so deeply, to make me aware of myself to myself. It sounds like a no brainer, but I have been so busy trying to be this world's opinion of the best version of me, or much worse, my own opinion of what I felt like the world needed from me. I saw myself as expendable, as a burden because of my emotions and feelings. This could not be further from the Truth. To all my Fellow Feelers, it's beautiful that you're so capable of feeling real and deep emotional responses. It's even more beautiful, when you can use those emotions to express yourself powerfully and that being able to uplift someone else who may feel silent in their own skin. Be free to feel, and allow Jesus to speak to you about how those feelings may best bless you and others around you instead of hinder you and others. Third, I've learned my desires. God saw fit to put certain desires in me, and in time, fulfill them completely. The Joy of the Waiting period isn't in the looking to the future, but in the present moment you're gifted with, and what you choose to do with the time you've been given. Imagine for a moment, you're a child again. Barely 8 years old. Someone pushes you out on the playground. You fall and get hurt. A natural reaction would be to get up and push back. But let's say, instead, you decide to get up and ask the kid who pushed you, why they pushed you, and ask for an apology if none is given. That moment changes alot of things. You may, by virtue of choosing Love in that moment, may experience a spouse dying to soon, or someone stealing something valuable from you. Remembering, perhaps, how you've responded in the past, may help you in these or any difficult situation that requires your patience and humility and at the same time, strength and courage to walk through. Along the same lines of desires, I'm coming to find how powerful our choice to Love is. How purely we can give and receive Love. How substantial and consistent gradual growth in learning to Love well really helps to bring out the best in yourself and in all you encounter. I read a powerful story about a man who bought another man a meal and gave him some money for a bus ticket, after the second man was released from prison and given no way to pick his life up from the ground and become a productive member of society again. When the man who received the meal and money for the bus asked,"how might I repay you?" The first man replied,"there may come a day when you will be given the power of deciding another person's life or death. I ask that you let them live." The man, perplexed, agreed to the request and went on his way. Think of the Love that just got sewn into a life. That it could reach so far as to save a life years down the road. This Love astounds me. This is the reason I'm alive. To see this Love go forth all over the world. To, with my future family, watch as our family, in whatever way, share this Love with the world we live in, and not for our own Glory, but for the Name of Jesus to be praised, save lives from certain death. How many conversations have we had that may have changed lives in the past? More than we may know. And we may never know. I may never know how my life or the way I choose to live affects someone. But what a gift to simply live and Love regardless! I encourage all who read this: never stop loving. And if there are desires in your Heart left currently unfulfilled, seek out God to show you what in you still needs healing and mending to bring about an even greater amount of Love, not just so that you can get your desires met, but so that, in them being met, you can endeavor to Love even better than before. Count it all as a gift and a tool to teach you to Love well. This is the Gospel: that The Glory of God would reach every corner of the earth, in power and Love and that every Heart come to know the Truth that all that they lack can be satisfied to overflowing in the Beautiful Power of Jesus' Love and salvation. And that, as this Truth go forth, all people everywhere may seek to spread this Love and Power like wildfire, restoring a broken world to it's former Glory, like in the days of the Garden of Eden before the Fall. Seek after what alone can satisfy. And once you are satisfied, seek to give that never ending satisfaction out in abundance. Let Love Win. |
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