Ohh this place of being patient and taking steps one at a time instead of 8 at a time...the Joy of not feeling the pressure cooker of life about to explode...no I'm not perfect and I don't have it all together but what I do have a little bit I want to share.
life is to short to spend angry at someone whom you have no reason to stay mad at. Let's say someone hurt you in what you consider an unforgivable way. You spend time and energy detesting that person's life, defaming their good name, loathing their existence, trying to stay away from them OR harass them. You waste your time and heart on someone who has already decided what was done is done and has moved on and grown. And out of stubbornness you won't let it go. This was me until a couple days ago. Someone hurt me so bad. But after everything fell out from under me all at once, I let it go. I knew that no matter how hard I tried, the only Solice I would find would be in praying for and loving that person...oh the humility. admitting you messed up and still choosing to love. This Low Road...we oftentimes forget it's actually the high road. Because it causes us to humble ourselves or let circumstances humble us and we be receptive to it, it can feel like a ton of bricks on our shoulders. But it's working in us Peace beyond all understanding. This is more than just being a good person. I believe it's key to bridging the gap between high standards of morals and a truly Loving heart and lifestyle. Love pursues Love. I mean that, Love doesn't roll over and play dead, or seduce to reduce. Love doesn't steal. It chases. It passionately commits to whatever it takes. I've been on an emotional hiatus for the past couple years due to hurt but recently I found that my Heart and emotions have been revived. This has done two things: allowed me to stop trying to get to the bottom of myself or everyone else's issues and instead just support them and myself in my time of need, and pray with purpose and strategy. When I look at my best friend, I see Him and see how I can best love Him. Someone once asked me,"how do you take on His pain with Him or for Him?" My reply was,"I ask and I receive." But I'd like to add to it. I desire for Him to know He's loved and cared for. So I will always go the distance. Whether He's asking me to work on myself or just needing some company. To be Captivated by Beauty...this is a very big deal this season. I used to believe it was just fancy words for "Let Jesus wow you". Now I realize, it means to allow yourself to transform, like a caterpillar in a cocoon, surround yourself with Beauty, internally and externally, and grow. Think on things from above. Yes you can and should work and take care of yourself. But your heart matters. It should matter more than your bank account. More thank your struggles to survive. Transforming or transfiguring is a difficult process because it shows you what ultimately matters in your life. Sometimes what we say matters is actually hindering us from growing. And other times, we simply neglect that which could grow us up even more. Take Heart today my wounded warriors. Today you were made for. Today you were chosen. Use it to your fullest. Find the Beauty of Life. In you and around you. Ready yourself for transformation. Take 1 step at a time. Play each note with all of your Heart. Don't dwell on the past or run from your future or present. Stay the chartered course and if it's time to sail to far off lands then set sail and let the winds carry you!!! You're worth it.
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Ecclesiasties 4:12
Two people can resist an attack that would defeat one person alone. A rope made of three cords is hard to break. This is where we understand much about our desire for intimate relationships. We desire unity beyond what we can really fathom or imagine, because we have an innate desire to be loved. I look to You, I won't be overwhelmed. I need vision, to see you just for you. I look to you, you're where my help comes from. I need wisdom, to know just what to do. Conjugality begins in the mind I believe. When interest is peaked and A Door is opened. Much later, comes the Emotion, but soon thereafter comes the Will. The desire for unity leads to all forms of union: mainly marriage. This is usually born out of an understanding of self and the other. Meaning, there is a definition of trust and boundaries. There are limits that are defined, with clear intentions to be formed deeper or broken to become closer. The deepest level I see is that of spiritual union. When two become fused together for the effort of giving this world a more full picture into its eternal construct, while shaping, in a natural way, what design they were made to fulfill. This of a songwriter. Writing out of their passion and heart, words meant to construct or deconstruct the understanding of others. A tool used to influence an emotional or in some cases a spiritual response. A song, which is more effective than a conversation in some cases, can be completely one sided, selfish, and yet the listener can be brought into the realm of the song writer, made to feel and believe what the writer is saying. Conjugate union if this kind shows humanity's base need for acceptance for what and who they are. This is much less a treatise. I'm simply bridging a gap for a much broader question. What are you afraid of this union for? In my exegesis of conjugality my aim is to express two things: Why do you fear this at its deepest level since it's all you desire, and why do you seek after it in things that ultimately can't satisfy you? These ring true for me. I am terrified of starting to go deep with anyone. And yet it's at the forefront of my mind. Share your thoughts and heart with the world. May your wisdom and knowledge ever increase in Love and Unity. Emotions. They go where they please. They know no bounds. Sometimes they make us want to break away, put off all this weight on our shoulders, get out of this town, be free to start over...Sometimes they make us want to dance in the rain, even when it's colder, just spin around, and never get older...but one thing emotions don't do is ground us.
Love, the Anchor of a Soul. The Weight to be Carried. This is what grounds us. Have you ever been so sure of something that nothing and no one could tell you different? I have. There's something I'm so sure of, it's worth losing my life over. And that's Love. God gave me something that I can't give back cuz it's a gift. His Love for someone. He used it to teach me His Love for me. He showed me many things about this person, things I had no idea what to do with and still don't. Then He showed me things about myself. This person is a really good friend of mine. But we haven't spoken in almost two years. But does Love just quit? Or is Love crazy enough to stand the test of time? Ride the waves of emotions, over years and years of triumphs and disappointments? Through tears as deep as oceans? The Cross, I believe, did more than just give us access to God for all eternity. It gave us the chance to partake in the revelation of Love. That all of us are loved beyond measure. That whatever happened to you when you were 7 or 9 or 15 or 16 or 32 or 50 or 99 or 110, whatever hurt you so bad that you closed your heart and life off to the possibility that maybe things could be different, maybe Love could be real. Maybe it's not all about the grind of life. See, what Love did to me, was show me that every single fear, every pain, every lie I believe about myself and others, is completely destroyed. And all that remains are Truth and Love. What Wisdom taught me is that when I pray, I don't ask for things I have no faith to see happen. I ask from a place of Faith and allow my prayer to enlarge my capacity to love and be loved. Oftentimes real Love will get you hated. Or worse. Killed. I'm not trying to get killed but I'm saying, if Love was ever something that brought good into your life, it sure does the opposite when it's Real. Again. Past emotions and good intentions, it takes Love to stay faithful to something that isn't faithful to you. It's a cosmic joke to think you can get the universe on your side enough to give you everything you desire. I'm not saying that to bash anyone, I'm saying it from my experience. What gives you everything you desire is Love, because you realize you lack nothing when Love transforms your heart, body, mind, soul, you're free and clear. Freedom isn't just now you can stand tall and be the you you've always wanted. It's a positive effect as a result of going through life in Love. I'm by no means perfect. But Every day I try to actually get up and start my day loving. Sometimes this takes 5 minutes and then it could take 5 years. but Love is how the path for me was designed and it only continues to grow. even in trials and pain. even if the day brings nothing but sad and bad news. Love is worth it. I encourage and challenge you to Love and Love well. Let it start with you daily and end with you. Rest Well My Wounded Warriors This isn't intended to be a very long blog post, because I desire to open up a discussion amongst my readers.
How do we exercise maturity when it matters most? Note: recent events in my life have caused me to make radical decisions about how I will live the next 3-5 years and then the rest of my life. Knowing this and then coming against other issues has really shown me where my heart stands. I'm learning to become firm in my stance on Love, which in simplest but not complete terms is to give one's life for another. In this way, I've seen in myself a maturity in my emotions (again I'm not perfect but in a fair amount of situations I am more capable of responding in love than in aggression) and my thoughts. Truly believing the intentionality of the heart is the root of a matter, that's where I go first. To seek the truth of the issue arising. Then I try to deal with the miscommunication of the issue. When these things seek to divide I try to use them as doorways to deeper unity. This is how I've grown in Maturity when it matters. This has been stirring in me for a while now. How many of us have experienced true Love? Not just an emotional high or an accenting thought but I mean a transformative work inside of you that kills all prejudice, hatred, separation, self depreciating thoughts or feelings, any judgment based on your opinion vs the world, control, etc?
I've read several posts lately about Caitlyn Jenner being a disgrace to womanhood and saying she is a hypocrite still just trying to make it off the shows money. I've read posts defaming the Duggar family and their situation with their son coming out to the world that he molested his sisters when he was 14. I've read posts disproving any existence of God based on empirical fact and evidence provided by men. I've read posts cutting down relationships rooted out of a plutonic understanding and agreement. Posts saying that marriage is becoming obsolete. And so much more. My head actually physically hurts from all the reading I've done in the past week. But it has all been eye opening to me. I am not claiming to have everything right nor have done any real research to come up with statistics for what I am about to say, but it's my heart and I hope sharing it helps us all grow. 2 years ago, I had an encounter with Love. It changed me. Love went from being a feeling, to an experience, to a job, to a belief, to a lifestyle choice, and now to a realm from where I live. Basically put, I'm surrounded by Love so it's my heart and life's blood to give Love and receive Love. For and from myself and others if the situation arises. At first it was about a girl. Then it was about "doing the right thing." Then it became my way of life. Now, I simply don't know how to naturally do anything else. By no means am I good at it or perfect. But I try to wake up and recognize that I have changed and I can't simply go back to the way things were. Despite all our knowledge and right thinking and even our good hearted intentions, there's still war and famine and sex slavery and racism and lies in the media and huge cover ups and no real acceptance for many. Despite human nature learning and growing as a functional entity, needing only basic necessities to survive and even thrive, there are still mental and physical illnesses and destroyed hearts and lives due to the lack of Love. I read a post that said,"Only your spouse should be your best friend. If you have a best friend of the opposite sex then either it's headed toward marriage or you're blurring the lines of reality." This one belief could affect an entire generation to never get close to anyone except who they marry. So that raises it's own issues. How do we know if we don't get close? And who feels so threatened by a member of the same sex that spouses can't have deep life giving friendships with others? We find flaws because we want to. We designed division out of fear. We championed, as a sentient race of beings, differing opinions so that everyone felt like their life meant something. We've reduced ourselves to a base form of life. Do you know that a school of fish, while oftentimes of the same genome sequencing, welcome outcasts from other schools? Do you know that the animal kingdom includes all other animals except in cases of survival and hierarchy? There is very little ousting of animals because of disagreement between two animals. Granted we are of a higher brain functionality and can have deep and complex relationships, but that doesn't excuse or change the fact that we segregate more than we congregate. Have you had an experience so radical, so other than, so unexplainable, that your entire life was flipped upside down on its head and it causes you to seek out and destroy the divides between secular and christian, saved and unsaved, atheist and satanist, male and female, human and animal? I encourage you. Search out that Love. Because you'll find an end to every fear you can come up with, every excuse you can make that says things can only be a certain way otherwise it's not valid, etc. I pray this doesn't come off as condescending or like I am taking a stab at anyone. I am saying that there has to be more to life than what we can find wrong or divisive about. I come to you, searching and seeking something greater than I have ever known. I'm not sure how this will come out but you deserve to know.
I'm not yet a man. I need to go back to school and get a degree. I need a new job. I need to learn how to save money and budget better. I need to start working out again. I need to learn how to stay firm in what I believe and what I've learned over the years while at the same time, be teachable and willing to learn and grown. I need to be ok with being wrong sometimes. I'm not yet a man. I still make the same mistakes. I'm not the best with time management. My sleep schedule is any time between sunrise and midday. My eating habits consist of oatmeal and whatever else I can find. I'm still not sure about myself or my dreams. I don't write music as much as I want to. I don't pray as often as I used to. I get distracted easily. For these things, I am sorry. I am sorry that I didn't save my virginity for you. I'm sorry that I messed with so many hearts and in turn messed with my own. I'm sorry my trust has been shaken by years of mistreating others as well as being mistreated. I'm sorry that some days I think you hate me and will never come Home. I'm sorry that I know I can do better yet choose not to sometimes. I have learned that loving you takes all of me and more. It takes God to Love you. it takes a Love that every day I have to ask to be filled with otherwise I may think it's some strength of mine that I love you with. I've learned that you are too precious of a gift to treat like a bag of chips. Taking a couple bites here and there or just consuming the whole bag without sharing... You are too be shared. you have something to offer this world. you're not mine. you're God's. and as His you deserve to be respected and cared for eternally. Loving you taught me how to love myself. I was so willing to give everything to love you. but inside I hated myself. God showed me how much of a gift I am for you. He showed me that my Love is serving you and my reward is seeing you loved well. not just by me but by Him. I get to see you grow in the Spirit. I get to see you become a wife and then a mother. I get to see you love and nurture our children and I get to help you in any and everything you need help with. I get to watch as through the years, you endure with me. I get to watch as the Love of my life becomes pure gold. my reward is knowing you are loved. and being a part of loving you all the days of our lives. So I'm here to say. I'm growing as a man. a man after God's own heart. a man who has given His all and tries everyday to wake up and give more than the day before to love you and love himself and the world around him. I can't wait to share my Love with you. to comfort you when your sad. to laugh with you when your happy. to pray with you when you're ready. I can't wait to share meals with you, work out with you, beat you in video games and then weeks later get dominated in those same games cuz you're super competitive. I can't wait to kiss your forehead and hug you and hold your hand everywhere we go. I can't wait to pursue your dreams and passions with you. I can't wait to watch you mull over cutting your hair or dying it blonde or green or pink or red or purple. I can't wait for you to see my dreads and think,"those have got to go." but then let them grow on you till you like them. then I cut them off anyway and you get sad cuz you finally liked them. I can't wait to have deep life altering conversations with you. I can't wait to sit down with your mom and dad at lunch or dinner and tell them about our life. I can't wait for you to meet my parents. my mom and her 2 horses and 4 dogs; my dad and his love for corvettes. I can't wait to worship with you. I can't wait to hear you singing in the shower and come in the bathroom and harmonize with you. I can't wait to read the Bible with you, go to church with you, dance with you, travel with you, play laser tag with you, eat pizza with you, have terrible stomach pains the next day and feel like we need to run a thousand miles and work it off with you. I can't wait to wake up before you and fix you breakfast or bring you a smoothie (or coffee even though I really hate coffee lol) I can't wait to wake up before you just to cuddle and pray over you while you sleep. I can't wait to talk to our kids about boys and girls and stuff they hopefully won't experience at a young age like I did. I can't wait to learn how to be a parent with you. I can't wait to watch you go have personal prayer time with Jesus. I can't wait to watch as you become a warrior in the Spirit. I can't wait to see you. with my own two eyes. but I will wait. because I only want to experience this life with you. Ive tried to put others in your place. but no one can fill a spot that was intended for you. I will grow in patience and love and perseverance as I become a man more and more worthy of God's Love and your love. I will pray for you. often. and know that you are praying for me. I will not give up. I will listen to that Jason Mraz song until I stop crying whenever I hear it. I will learn how to play Ed Sheeran's Thinking Out Loud on guitar and sing it to you one day. if not I'll just sing it acapella and hope I do Ed justice. I will go to war for you and your future. no matter what road you're currently on or turning off of or turning on to. I will pray it leads you str8 to the arms of Jesus. I will be brave. I will be strong. I will be a strong tower that you can find refuge in. because God is my impenetrable fortress in whom I find rest. I feel as though we are so close to finally coming together. I see you on the horizon. I see you coming up from the fields leaning on Jesus as He unites us in His love. Dear Future Wife... Dear Prodigal Queen... Dear Gift of God... I Love you. Thank you for teaching me how to love me too. I will see you soon. |
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