Hey everyone! Sorry it’s been another full year, almost to the day! Lots have happened so let me fill you in real fast. Stay tuned for more posts regularly, because life has very drastically changed!
So first and foremost, in October of last year, I was diagnosed with kidney failure. I spent about three weeks in the hospital initially, getting on dialysis and figuring out what happened with my body. Doctors found out that I have a rare blood disorder called Atypical Hemolytic Uremic Syndrome, which in laymen’s terms, means my blood is toxic to my body, and my body believes that my blood is a foreign invader and so it tries to kill it off. I was placed on a drug called Soliris, which is supposed to bind with my blood cells making them non toxic and keeping my body from attacking them. It’s been largely successful especially in recent months. My health took a turn for the worse when my dialysis port got infected with staphylococcus and I contracted a brain infection and had three mini strokes. I was placed on antibiotics for the infection and seem to have only slight memory lose and memory retention defects as a result. About a month later, I was hospitalized a third time, this time because I contracted double pneumonia and almost lost my lungs to the disease. I was place on a ventilator for 19 days and placed in a state of paralysis until my lungs had enough strength to work on their own. I needed intense rehab, due to the fact my leg and back muscles had all atrophied from laying in a hospital bed for almost a month and a half. So, I’ve been working, trying to get back to a normal state of being. Im currently in the process of getting a kidney transplant and coming off of in center dialysis and doing what is called peritoneal dialysis, at home with my mother. However, dialysis is not a cure, merely a place holder. I cannot live on dialysis for the rest of my life. So your prayers and words of encouragement are greatly appreciated. Stay tuned for more updates as this develops!
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Hey Blog readers! Sorry it's been legitimately years. But, I'm back. And I'm going to be posting weekly. So be on the look out for more content.
You ever experienced death, as it were? Well, this is Life. Welcome to mine. #BackForTheFirstTime This morning, I am absolutely certain that if we do not know Love, there is no purpose to Life or living. I've seen friends of mine going through hard struggles, most of which deal with the lie that they believe they are unloved. Or unworthy of being Loved. I'm going to get very raw here.
No less than two years ago, I was on my death bed. A bed of my own creation. I had just gotten out of a horrible engagement and trust was the last thing I had the ability to do. So, I isolated. I rejected my need for friends and family, sat in my dark room, cried, and learned how to hate myself. I taught myself how to believe the worst things about myself are more true than the Best things about me. I resigned myself to death. Then, one day, as I was contemplating how I might leave this life for eternal existence elsewhere, amidst making my plan, I stopped and had a short conversation with God. It went like this. God* Me** *Genesis, I know you're hurting... **Shut up. I don't want to hear it. You could've fixed all this. This is your fault. You don't love me. You've never loved me. *I'm here. Just let me hold you... **No!!! Get away from me. Stop! Just let me die. I can't take this pain anymore. *Let me remove the thorns and knives from you. **God, why? Why can't I just marry someone who loves me? Why is so much expected of me to change before someone even gives me a moments notice? Why do I have to be perfect on order to get a chance to be Loved? *Can I have all of You? **Only if you're going to love me...I love You but I don't trust anything or anyone. *Will you go put the gun back in the box? **Only if you promise me that You Love me. *I promise you, I Love You... And in that moment, I felt such unrelenting and unencumbered Joy, that my whole body went numb. it stayed this way for 3 weeks. I remember waking up and noticing it was gone. But here's what I learned in those 3 weeks. I Am Loved By God. I just read a post for women to find a man after God's heart, not their body. I almost began crying, because even in my right intentions, I was still far off from the mark. Godly men don't get close to God to get a wife. They get close to God because He's worthy of our entire being, everything we could do or think or say. He's worth looking at every moment, loving each second. Men of God identify with the dichotomy of living in the world and having desires for things of this world and living in the Spirit and desiring the things of the Spirit. This morning before work, I prayed that God would reveal to me my Heart and my desires. And He did. I desire to be known by Love. I am not by any means claiming I have it all together, but my utmost desire is to be known as a man who loves well. This is a road that I'm sure with not end once this life is over. I'm sure I will learn to love even inside of eternity. But, today, even with every other desire in my Heart, fighting its way to be priority, I stand firm that, Loving God is not just first or necessary, it's Who I Am. I am not just going to Love Him. I Am Love to and for Him. Find your Name. Find your Identity. Hello, I Am Love. What's your Name? Father, let revival begin in me. That you would be more than worshipped and praised but that You would be Loved. Let this Fire go forth throughout every sphere of society on Earth, in this very moment. In Jesus' Name. Amen. What are you learning lately? Let me let you in my Heart and Mind a bit.
First off, timing is right when you're not expecting it. Sometimes you meet someone or something happens that takes you by surprise, or gives you a reason to change your plans. I've in fact met many this past couple months that have been like a light in my life, helping me see better how I'm being led and what, specifically, I'm being led by. I have trouble reading into many situations and letting my emotions drive my actions. I'm finding how difficult it can be to be raw and real in a moment and stay guarded, so as not to become susceptible to expectations not being met, or worse, me being a burden to others with my intense feelings. Alongside this, I am learning my Identity in not found in what I do, only, but found in Who I Am, in every given daily situation. This has been a huge help to me. That God, would penetrate me so deeply, to make me aware of myself to myself. It sounds like a no brainer, but I have been so busy trying to be this world's opinion of the best version of me, or much worse, my own opinion of what I felt like the world needed from me. I saw myself as expendable, as a burden because of my emotions and feelings. This could not be further from the Truth. To all my Fellow Feelers, it's beautiful that you're so capable of feeling real and deep emotional responses. It's even more beautiful, when you can use those emotions to express yourself powerfully and that being able to uplift someone else who may feel silent in their own skin. Be free to feel, and allow Jesus to speak to you about how those feelings may best bless you and others around you instead of hinder you and others. Third, I've learned my desires. God saw fit to put certain desires in me, and in time, fulfill them completely. The Joy of the Waiting period isn't in the looking to the future, but in the present moment you're gifted with, and what you choose to do with the time you've been given. Imagine for a moment, you're a child again. Barely 8 years old. Someone pushes you out on the playground. You fall and get hurt. A natural reaction would be to get up and push back. But let's say, instead, you decide to get up and ask the kid who pushed you, why they pushed you, and ask for an apology if none is given. That moment changes alot of things. You may, by virtue of choosing Love in that moment, may experience a spouse dying to soon, or someone stealing something valuable from you. Remembering, perhaps, how you've responded in the past, may help you in these or any difficult situation that requires your patience and humility and at the same time, strength and courage to walk through. Along the same lines of desires, I'm coming to find how powerful our choice to Love is. How purely we can give and receive Love. How substantial and consistent gradual growth in learning to Love well really helps to bring out the best in yourself and in all you encounter. I read a powerful story about a man who bought another man a meal and gave him some money for a bus ticket, after the second man was released from prison and given no way to pick his life up from the ground and become a productive member of society again. When the man who received the meal and money for the bus asked,"how might I repay you?" The first man replied,"there may come a day when you will be given the power of deciding another person's life or death. I ask that you let them live." The man, perplexed, agreed to the request and went on his way. Think of the Love that just got sewn into a life. That it could reach so far as to save a life years down the road. This Love astounds me. This is the reason I'm alive. To see this Love go forth all over the world. To, with my future family, watch as our family, in whatever way, share this Love with the world we live in, and not for our own Glory, but for the Name of Jesus to be praised, save lives from certain death. How many conversations have we had that may have changed lives in the past? More than we may know. And we may never know. I may never know how my life or the way I choose to live affects someone. But what a gift to simply live and Love regardless! I encourage all who read this: never stop loving. And if there are desires in your Heart left currently unfulfilled, seek out God to show you what in you still needs healing and mending to bring about an even greater amount of Love, not just so that you can get your desires met, but so that, in them being met, you can endeavor to Love even better than before. Count it all as a gift and a tool to teach you to Love well. This is the Gospel: that The Glory of God would reach every corner of the earth, in power and Love and that every Heart come to know the Truth that all that they lack can be satisfied to overflowing in the Beautiful Power of Jesus' Love and salvation. And that, as this Truth go forth, all people everywhere may seek to spread this Love and Power like wildfire, restoring a broken world to it's former Glory, like in the days of the Garden of Eden before the Fall. Seek after what alone can satisfy. And once you are satisfied, seek to give that never ending satisfaction out in abundance. Let Love Win. I've come to see something in this Surrender/Receiving lifestyle I've come to live in with God. He really is everything one needs or could ever want. It's from here that we begin to appreciate all the other things given to us. Receiving all as gifts instead of using someone or something to get what we need out of them.
Sitting in the Peace and rest that is God. I'm starting to see why He said it is not good that man be alone. Because what woman is, is the ultimate gift! She is the final Good of creation. And to her, man is her Good gift, to know the Father more intimately. Man shows woman the gentle but unwaivering Truth that God will never leave you nor forsake. He has given you a spirit of power, love, and self discipline, not timidity or fear. The pairing of two in marriage is more than just a celebration. It's a declaration, that "so long as I live, I will receive the gift that you are as well as give the gift of myself to you. I will Love you the best I can and learn each day to Love us better." This is the Beginning of God Love. Fully given to God. Wow. What is True Satisfaction? When all else fades and you're perfectly Ok with the least. Because it's in the Least you remember you have the most, and even when you have the most, you don't fear using it for personal gain because it has been added to You, in your fullness. So I can see why marriage is kind of difficult. When we enter it, I think it's normal to say both parties are bringing their 100%. But what if both parties brought infinity? Brought their complete lack of nothing and simply desired to add to one another, Love and affection, and bring up a family in this complete lack of nothing? This is God. He, fully in Himself, is complete. He needs NOTHING. But He desires US. The Trinity is the only completely autonomous Being known. He lacks nothing and He requires nothing to remain the same way. This is mind numbingly hard to understand. So instead, lets look at this. We, being creatures of immense need, must not only have our needs met but also our lack filled. Any level of deficiency must be met. Emotional, psychological, spiritual. But what would it look like if You entered into a relationship, lacking nothing and needing (emphasis on the word needing) nothing from whomever you're with, but desiring them in your life and desiring to give to them?! That's the level that Jesus longs to fulfill our every desire. He longs to be our every desire and fulfill them and from there, add unto us, more. This overflowing is an automatic response to our fullness. This is I think the height of our walk with Christ. That we would be so filled with Him that all other things added to us, are not just given to Him, but effectively Loved and honored and protected and appreciated. As our relationship with Jesus should be protected, so should our other relationships. This is a wild concept that I'm barely scratching the surface of. But I must say, it is well with my soul. Child Jesus, who lacking nothing, needed his Mother and Father, teach us, today, how to receive the fullness of Who You Are, and let you fully and completely fulfill our every desire, from now and throughout all eternity. Let us consider all things added unto us, a gift to be stewarded correctly. Amen and Alleluia. The more I Pray, the more I'm seeing a pattern. Let me know if this is any on you.
God, who hears every prayer, has fullness of Free Will, and desires to Love and care for all of His creation, is the Answerer of these requests, or the recipient of the praise and worship and thanksgiving we give. Take a look at David, in Psalms 25. To You, O Lord , I lift up my soul. O my God, in You I trust, Do not let me be ashamed; Do not let my enemies exult over me. (v 1,2) Verses 1 and 2 show David freely giving himself to God, and then asking for something. Does he say his motive for asking? No. Does he give an explanation for why he needs God to do this? Let's read on. Indeed, none of those who wait for You will be ashamed; Those who deal treacherously without cause will be ashamed. Make me know Your ways, O Lord. Teach me Your paths. (v 3,4) Here, David qualifies the Truth of what he just prayed. That,"those who "wait" (to remain inactive or in a state of repose, as until something expected happens, in a state of readiness, faithfulness, derived from the Old High Germanic for "wake") on the Lord, will NOT be ashamed..." And those who deal "treacherously" (characterized by faithlessness or readiness to betray trust; traitorous, deceptive, untrustworthy, or unreliable) WILL be ashamed. THEN, David asks God for more! "Make known Your Ways, O Lord, and teach me Your paths!" Here, we can safely assume David does NOT know the Lord's ways or paths. Let's continue. Lead me in Your truth and teach me, For You are the God of my salvation; For You I wait all the day. Remember, O Lord , Your compassion and Your loving kindnesses, For they have ever lasted from of old. Do not remember the sins of my youth or my transgressions; According to Your loving kindness remember me, For Your goodness' sake, O Lord . Good and upright is the Lord ; Therefore He instructs sinners in the way. He leads the humble in justice, And He teaches the humble His way. (v 5-9) David keeps asking for more! Here, he's hungry for God to give him help. This could be called Intercession. Ever the orator of his Heart, David continues to qualify Truth that he knows of God, and David still chooses to do what he said he would at the beginning; Wait. But hold on. David switches up! He then calls God to remember His own Goodness. David asks God to think about God!!! Saying,"Remember, Your compassion and Your loving kindness...", and then uses that as leverage in his prayer for God to answer,"do not remember the sins of my youth or my transgressions; according to YOUR loving kindness, remember me." Then to round it off, David once again proclaims Truth. "Good and upright is the Lord ; Therefore He instructs sinners in the way. He leads the humble in justice, And He teaches the humble His way." These are just the first 9 verses. I encourage you to read the rest of the chapter. But what have we seen?! I saw David, a man after God's Heart and Love, broken, yet trusting that God desired to answer him. So David, approaching God boldly, states his request. But, revering God, and humbling himself, David responds to his own boldness with humility and appeals to the Truth of God. David asked, but he NEVER demanded. He respects God's Will to answer him in a way he may not be accustomed to. Hence,"...make me known to Your ways...teach me Your paths...lead me in Your Truth and teach me..." David assumed NOTHING with God, rather, He stated his desire, and said,"You, O Lord, who are able to do things greater than my understanding, hear my request, but do what YOU desire to do..." Is this not how Jesus prayed? In the garden,"...Father, if this cup should pass...but NOT My Will, but Yours be done..." The point of this is to call us to prayer in a concerted effort to request boldly our desires and at the same time, humble ourselves and receive God's Answer, timely and completely. This is the essence of Intercession. How does this work for me? It's taught me to view God as a Father, who loves His children, and at the same exact moment, instructs them in ways beyond their comprehension, in order to grow their understanding of Him, that they may grow in deeper relationship with Him, and also that they may find even more of their identity in the journey as God reveals Himself. There's no getting to the end of God, because there's no place from which to begin with Him. We start and end, but He always was, always is, and always will be. Constant, steady, ever unchanging. St. Anselm said of God, He is,"That, than which, the Greater, cannot be thought." He later stated, that even that maxim pales in comparison to Who God really is. It barely begins to scrape the surface. Let us proceed onward toward effective Prayer. State our requests, humble ourselves under His Glory, and ask Him to do His Will, regardless of how it makes us feel, because ultimately, His Will is only for our Greatest Good. Let this bless You today. Negant esse eum illuminatum in pace et requiescat. How long has it been? How long have you been asking for something you see no evidence of coming to pass? How long have you been waiting, hoping, praying, fasting, warring for, pressing in about this OneThing that you desire? Days? Months? Years? Decades?
Here's the good news. The Rewards of Your Suffering are not the rejection you've received but the Faith it has produced, the Hope is has bore, and the Love it has uncovered. The Rewards of Your Suffering are not the end result, but the Process toward Victory. Your lack, or not having enough "ness", is NOT a basis of your character. It's a perspective to be seen in the outlook of Hope. What an honor it is to befall trial after trial, not because we are self deprecating, but because what of the opposite? What if life were simple? Would we be able to have faith when something did go wrong? Would we be able to see the goodness in even the littlest bad that may arise? Who would we be if negatively or persecution weren't an almost daily occurrence? The Accusor seeks to defame and destroy us. Some, he passes by without so much as thinking about. Why is he all up in my business?! Could it be that because I have withstood his attacks and deigned to stay righteous as possible and allowed God to mold me and shape me in these trials, that the Accusor sees me as a direct threat to his kingdom? HOMIE HOLD UP! You mean Satan, as big and as bad as he is, is scared of me messing up stuff for him? So he takes my money and takes my family and takes my friends and etc, until all I have left is my Heart and my relationship with God and maybe some food n clothes?! Then truly, I consider all trials a JOY, because I am even more so filled with Faith to know I am more powerful than I could fathom. I am filled with Hope, to know that God is using my trials to work me into an Unconditional Lover and Warrior. I am filled with Love for all as best I can be. This is why I stay my course. And I entreat you: Stay Yours. Find the Reward for your Suffering in the fact that you're still alive and still able to Love Well. And whatever you're waiting on God for, mount up with Wings like Eagles and see your situation from the perspective of Victory. Sing On, Wounded Warriors. Love
Tosin very rarely did anything right, but one thing he wanted to do more than ever, was Love well. Growing up Catholic, he learned, there's no greater way to Love someone, than to give your life for their greater good. A rapper, by trade, he could spin a tale with words more whimsical than your favorite fiction series, more entrancing than your most beloved possession, and more challenging than your greatest fear. The way in which he interwove himself into every lyric, depicting such unapologetically hellacious or indescribably Heavenly scenes and events, would make you feel as though you'd been on the most intense rollercoaster of your life. He had an incredible gift. However, plagued by his past failed relationships with girls, his parents violent divorce, his never ending struggle to find loyal friends he can trust, he was losing hope that he had any reason to live. Radiance, like most girls her age, was finally ready to run free, do her own thing, pave her own path in life. A self taught vocalist and guitarist, she longed for the stage. At 19, she had achieved more awards for sports and academics than all of her siblings and friends. The middle child of 7, she was sometimes overshadowed by the eldest and youngest kids. Her older brother and sister did well to take care of her. She grew very close to them over the years. Radiance, however, always felt like the odd man out, for she had never had a boyfriend, much less any real romantic interest. She, in some ways, was like one of the guys. But her internal girl brain said,"why don't they think I'm pretty?" Plagued with loneliness, she was on a quest to find a guy worth her time and effort to Love and care. This is the story of how Tosin and Radiance came to find Love is Hoping in the most radically difficult situations, the most insane set of circumstances, and the most unforgiving portion of emotions arising to the surface. This is their story. From Love to loss to Love again. Tosin and his then fiancée, Shoshana, were traveling to their mutual friends marriage ceremony. They had been summoned to play music. They, however, we're slowly falling apart. Tosin, who was unsure of his future, had asked Shoshana to marry him just 7 months prior. But, because she was finishing college, they had no time to do the necessary wedding planning. As the looming uncertainty of their future weigh heavily on their chests, they arrived at the wedding, prepared with music. As the ceremony continued, Tosin knew that he was not yet ready for this type of commitment and decided to take his life seriously, to give Shoshana the much needed confidence and security she needed in their relationship. Later, at the wedding reception, Shoshana began drinking, and, as with alcohol, so left her inhibitions and out came her emotions. She had always longed to be with another friend of hers, Diego. And expressed this to him, and many others openly. When word of this got to Tosin, who had spent the last of his gas money repairing a broken headlamp from a minor accident they had gotten into on the drive to the wedding, he was both heartbroken and infuriated. At this, he found her, whispered in her ear, amidst the loud music, saying, "I'm going home tonight. You have 10 minutes before I go back to pack all our things so we can leave." And, he began to walk outside. Shoshana, embarrassed, came running after him, and the two of them found their way to the car. As Tosin started the engine, he had one chance to stay collected. But in a fit of rage, he berated Shoshana with insults and accusations. Raising his voice at her, which he had never done before, he did not relent, even with Shoshana in tears and sobbing morosely, as if, after his polemic, she was sure to die. The argument never ceased. Amidst the chaos, the two of them managed to pack all their things, even helping one another remember where they had laid certain items, so as not to forget them. Neither could see, in their darkest hour, they still chose to work together. This, later, became a sign to Tosin. Packing the car, mid argument, Tosin stopped and asked,"Are you forgetting anything else? Because I'm not coming back." Shoshana emphatically said,"No, and if I am, it clearly doesn't matter enough to you to go find out." And with that, they were off. They were stopped, however, by the parents of the groom, who's house they had taken up residence. The husband said,"If God desires it, all shall mend itself. If not, expect miracles to come forth from this situation." Tosin had heard this a day before, from the priest who heard his confession. He thanked the man, and drove off into the night. It was around midnight. Shoshana, still crying gently, didn't dare look at Tosin. He didn't acknowledge her existence. While driving, Tosin came upon what appeared to be construction work. As he got closer, he saw devastation. A truck had recently been in a head on collision with something. Tosin pulled the car over to investigate. Several cars behind him did the same. He came upon the driver of the truck, whose airbag had deployed, saving his life, and whose passenger was laughing with a small laceration to his forehead. Tosin and another patron helped both men to a different vehicle for assessment. Tosin came back to the truck, searching for evidence of what the trucker had run into, and, following the skid marks, found another car, nose first in the ditch, just across the street. He rushed to the driver side. The driver, a woman, her head was wedged within a hole in the windshield. She was lifeless. Tosin came around to the other side. The passenger was wearing her seatbelt, and non-responsive. He called out to her, and she began to scream. Several people came to help Tosin pull the door off its hinges, for it was impaired beyond opening by normal means. Once open, the seatbelt was cut, and the young woman was rushed to the hospital via EMT. Shoshana was distraught by the entire situation. She had called paramedics and police. Waiting for what seemed like forever, the officers began directing traffic away from the scene, and toward another high way. Shoshana, barely able to speak, still in shock from the events of the day, fell asleep. Tosin placed his right hand on her left knee, and begged God for a miracle. He heard a voice,"Are you ready to learn to Love?" "Yes, Lord." "You must let her go. The one who is to be your future wife is soon coming." Tosin began to weep. "But I've given so much. Why can't I just stay with her?" "She does not desire to marry you. She is unsure of her own life at this point. Set her free and be set free." And Tosin drove home. Dear Queen,
Before I begin my prayer time this morning, I want to share with you my realization of who I Am. I am a man, who's been beaten, raped, stolen from, reduced to nothing, cornered, flogged with wrathful scorn, plunged into the deepest depths of darkness, and rendered useless by the enemy and all who opposed Love. I am not a sum total of my failures or circumstances. I am beyond. There is no real reason I should be alive. I've been in no less than 7 near death experiences. I've come into contact with several life threatening diseases and destructive forces that should've taken me out. I've lost my way and given way to suicidal tendencies several times in life. Etc. However, the main reason I live today, is my First Love, Jesus. He snatched me up from the chords of death. He cut off, at the root, the descent into alcoholism and drug addiction in my life. He tore the veil of shame and guilt over my life choices from me. He fought to keep me alive and keep me in Love. And He won. When I met you, first in my Heart, when I was 5 years old, I knew that You and I were going to be the most powerful couple in history. That's big dreams for a little boy. But my adventurous spirit took me on a journey. One that won't end at our Altar call. I desired nothing more than to Love a woman with all of me, giving her the Grace shown to me, and constantly pointing her back to my First Love, Jesus. As my mentor and big brother, He showed me how to Love another. Starting with Himself. Through singing, I began to worship. Through rap, I began to War. Then, He showed me how to Love someone else. Through trial and error, I lost my selfishness. I still struggle with knowing my worth, this being primary, to a Strong Love. But it wasn't until just two years ago, He taught me how to Love myself. I was consumed with hatred for myself. I desired truly that I be taken advantage of. Because I knew no different in my Life. This morning, standing more fully in who I Am than I ever have, I see that these efforts by Jesus to form me and shape me, where for You. This is all about You. When I knew You, I saw the Love You deserved. And rather than run and cheat You of it, I had to humble myself, and carry You with me, like a Cross. At first I was burdened. But as I realized the Holy Divine task I had, I relished in the challenge and reveled in the power I had to actually Love someone fully. And I started walking. And I never looked back. This was never about me: this was about You. God creates nothing bad. He valued You in Your mother's womb and before time began. He shocked the world when you came on the scene. And He invested time into Your heart's desires. He said," I WILL make a Man after my own Heart for You. As my Queen, You deserve no less than one who would serve You and lead You to servanthood of Love." He designed me, flaws and all, to be Your equal, and I asked Him to make me Your servant. All that's yours to do is receive the free gift of my Love. I require nothing but acceptance. When You run I will chase. When You fly, I'll carry you as the Wind carries the eagle. When You fall, I will do my best to catch You. When You die, I will walk You into our heavenly Home. When You need to get away, I'll give You space. When You need the arms of Love, I'll hold You and never let You go. And when You need to give, I will bow and receive You. I was made for You. I was made to Love You and be Loved by You. Regardless of the time of day or the season of life, You've been on my Heart since I was 5 and wanted a wife and kids. God makes no mistakes. Let me Love You more. This is all that I Desire. Today, July 8th, 2015, I, Genesis, hereby vow, not to give my Heart away to another, not to try to place someone in my life because of loneliness or suffering, and not to remove You from my Heart or Mind for same said reasons. I vow to stay faithful to You. Whether You are physically present in my Life or not. And I vow to pray, in Love and in Peace, for your arrival. And when I see You, coming up on the horizon, leaning on Your Beloved, Jesus, I vow to ask Him for wisdom and courage, to be given Your Beautiful Hand, to lead You back to Him every moment, to walk us back into His loving embrace every moment of every day for the rest of our lives, from this moment and on throughout eternity. I vow to learn how to become a good steward of my time, money, and gifts, truly valuing myself, and giving and receiving the offering of Love from those who run along side me and support me. I vow to create a space for You. A Home. Somewhere You can Come and rest as well as Grow. I vow to give us a family. First, a Body of friends and family to help us seek the most eternal good for each other and ourselves. And later, a physical family, in marriage. I vow to be a righteous and loving Father, attentive to the needs and pondering of our children. Ever praying for their growth in God and protecting them from all harm, especially the spiritual and emotional trauma we have both been victims of. I vow to be a Good Husband. One who sees and values the thoughts and opinions of His wife and carefully creates an equal place of leadership, while taking full responsibility for the road we walk and doing so with Faith and in fear and trembling. I vow to be a Passionate Lover. One who gives and receives. One who serves before being served. One who asks for help, which is so very hard to do. One who murders the prideful stance my heart would take in thinking I know what I'm doing without consulting my two most trusted confidants, Jesus and You. And I vow, to be honest and open about all things. An open line of communication, built on the foundation of understanding and grace and mercy. I vow to put You First, second only to Jesus. I vow to renew my vows to You daily, serving as my eternal reminder that loving You is a privilege and a gift, and that I am not God and You require God's love to be Loved well. My Love. Here I am. I call you Home. Find rest in Jesus today. Let Him lead You. Trust Him fully. He will not lead You astray. You know Him. You hear His voice. You see His face. He's standing with you, leading you each day. Stay with Him. I will be here when He decides to bring you to me. His timing is best. In the Eternal embrace of the Father of Lights, Genesis J. Martin Burkley, Sir Kuriakos Elias Chavara, Knight of the Holy Queen. Ohh this place of being patient and taking steps one at a time instead of 8 at a time...the Joy of not feeling the pressure cooker of life about to explode...no I'm not perfect and I don't have it all together but what I do have a little bit I want to share.
life is to short to spend angry at someone whom you have no reason to stay mad at. Let's say someone hurt you in what you consider an unforgivable way. You spend time and energy detesting that person's life, defaming their good name, loathing their existence, trying to stay away from them OR harass them. You waste your time and heart on someone who has already decided what was done is done and has moved on and grown. And out of stubbornness you won't let it go. This was me until a couple days ago. Someone hurt me so bad. But after everything fell out from under me all at once, I let it go. I knew that no matter how hard I tried, the only Solice I would find would be in praying for and loving that person...oh the humility. admitting you messed up and still choosing to love. This Low Road...we oftentimes forget it's actually the high road. Because it causes us to humble ourselves or let circumstances humble us and we be receptive to it, it can feel like a ton of bricks on our shoulders. But it's working in us Peace beyond all understanding. This is more than just being a good person. I believe it's key to bridging the gap between high standards of morals and a truly Loving heart and lifestyle. Love pursues Love. I mean that, Love doesn't roll over and play dead, or seduce to reduce. Love doesn't steal. It chases. It passionately commits to whatever it takes. I've been on an emotional hiatus for the past couple years due to hurt but recently I found that my Heart and emotions have been revived. This has done two things: allowed me to stop trying to get to the bottom of myself or everyone else's issues and instead just support them and myself in my time of need, and pray with purpose and strategy. When I look at my best friend, I see Him and see how I can best love Him. Someone once asked me,"how do you take on His pain with Him or for Him?" My reply was,"I ask and I receive." But I'd like to add to it. I desire for Him to know He's loved and cared for. So I will always go the distance. Whether He's asking me to work on myself or just needing some company. To be Captivated by Beauty...this is a very big deal this season. I used to believe it was just fancy words for "Let Jesus wow you". Now I realize, it means to allow yourself to transform, like a caterpillar in a cocoon, surround yourself with Beauty, internally and externally, and grow. Think on things from above. Yes you can and should work and take care of yourself. But your heart matters. It should matter more than your bank account. More thank your struggles to survive. Transforming or transfiguring is a difficult process because it shows you what ultimately matters in your life. Sometimes what we say matters is actually hindering us from growing. And other times, we simply neglect that which could grow us up even more. Take Heart today my wounded warriors. Today you were made for. Today you were chosen. Use it to your fullest. Find the Beauty of Life. In you and around you. Ready yourself for transformation. Take 1 step at a time. Play each note with all of your Heart. Don't dwell on the past or run from your future or present. Stay the chartered course and if it's time to sail to far off lands then set sail and let the winds carry you!!! You're worth it. |
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November 2015
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